For that special someone this Valentine’s Day, might I suggest taking a different approach than your usual, generic Hallmark card and gift them with actual Pornhub comments instead? Nothing says “I love you” like Pornhub Comments on Valentine’s Day. Nothing at all…

They’ll love you for it. Or else they’ll get a restraining order. Whichever comes first…
 

 

 

 

 
Via BuzzFeed

 
Last week I posted the opening credits to the sub-Bond spy film The Liquidator, featuring the amazing theme song composed and orchestrated by Lalo Schifrin and sung by Shirley Bassey. Here’s another favorite—and also very Sixties—title sequence and song, Ann-Margret’s va-va-voomy vamping that opens The Swinger.

In The Swinger, Ann-Margret plays “Kelly Olsson” (her actual last name) a would-be writer of racy stories for a men’s magazine. Annoyed that they won’t publish her work, innocent small town girl Kelly concocts a “swinging” public persona for herself that she then has to try to live up to, for instance, throwing a staged orgy that ends up with her covered in psychedelic paint (and then arrested).
 

 
I have no proof of this, but I would imagine that the term “sex kitten” was probably first coined to describe Ann-Margret. And if it wasn’t, well… it should have been.

If this clip reminds you of Bye Bye Birdie, there’s a good reason for that, it’s the same director, George Sidney (who also directed Ann-Margret and Elvis in Viva Las Vegas) and cinematographer, Joseph Biroc, who did her iconic pre-credits dance number in that film. Sidney took thousands of 35mm photographs for the montage sequences in The Swinger.
 

 
The 1968 French sexual revolution comedy Erotissimo is one of those ultra stylish Sixties films that art director types go totally nuts over. With good reason.

Starring Annie Giradot as a married woman confused by the rapid change in sexual mores around her. Erotissimo takes place precisely at the point in the 1960s where SEX became an inescapably “in your face” component of modern life, advertising and urban dwelling. As such, it is a perfect time capsule of the end of one era and the beginning of another. Giradot’s heroine struggles to understand the matters I presume would have been vexing a fair amount of the film’s audience during that time period as well.

But plot aside, the film’s reputation these days is due to its unique—and very Sixties—art direction: Gerard Pires’ Erotissimo looks like almost no other film I can think of. Nearly every frame is a masterpiece of visual composition, in the vein of William Klein’s Who Are You, Polly Magoo? The groovedelic soundtrack is the aural equivalent of a white molded plastic chair…
 


 
Mod Cinema sells a DVD of Erotissimo with English subtitles, making it possible for those of us who paid no attention in French class to enjoy this treat.

A married woman in her 30’s (Annie Girardot) tries to spice up her sex life with her distracted husband Philippe (Jean Yanne) under the deluge of sexy Swedish movies, sexy advertising on the streets, sexy intimate clothing in ladies’ shops, and even talks about sex and marital infidelity with her mother and female friends. Philippe, a general manager of a dynamic company specializing in baby products becomes preoccupied with an upcoming tax audit. Even the presence of a beautiful fashion model who lives with Annie’s brother fails to divert his attention. This amazing and colorful work of 60’s pop art features an original psychedelic soundtrack by French composer William Sheller & singer-songwriter Michel Polnareff, and don’t miss the cameo by monsieur Serge Gainsbourg!

Gainsbourg’s cameo is appropriately sleazy: He plays a guy who hits on Annie as she is leaving a Swedish “art film.”
 

 
Below, the NSFW Erotissimo trailer:
 

Consenting Adults (1982)
 
The New York Times recently profiled Vinegar Syndrome, a company that collects, catalogs, restores, and distributes antique skin flicks. And while not a vintage X aficionado myself, I was struck by the posters I found from both Vinegar Syndrome and Distribpix (another company that does re-releases); there is some truly cool and campy poster art to be found in the adult section, folks!

And as the Internet continues to cut out the middle man of the adult film industry, I’m a little sad to know that these kinds of posters have gone the way of the dinosaur, probably never to return. From corny, to clever, to downright pretty, a once dynamic medium is now no more. A moment of silence, please.
 

I Wish I Were in Dixie (1969)
 

Marilyn and the Senator (1975)
 

Open Air Bedroom (1971)
 

People (1978)
 

Spread Eagles (1968)
 

The Telephone Book (1971)
 

Tigresses (1979)
 

Wanda Whips Wall Street (1982)

Previously on Dangerous Minds:
‘The Telephone Book’: A girl falls in love with the world’s greatest obscene phone caller
Kill the Pigs or How I Stopped Worrying and Took a Punk Vacation
Russ Meyer’s ‘Fanny Hill’: Bosomania Gets Fancy
 
Via The New York Times

 
The “Human Furriery” series by Argentinian artist Nicola Constantino features 3D silicone nipples on high heel shoes, Hermès, Birkin and Kelly handbags. Don’t lie, you know you want one.

The series also features areola-adorned gowns with human hair as the “fur” trim. Aaaaaaaaand if that’s not enough for you, perhaps the puckered anus starfish men’s shoes are more to your liking?
 

 

 

 
Via Boing Boing

 
Two cultural icons of the twentieth century, William S. Burroughs and Andy Warhol, enjoying dinner and amiably discussing the first time they had sex with another man—whatever could be more salubrious? Horses are part of the conversation, too. Read on in the excerpt from Victor Bockris’ classic book, With William Burroughs, A Report from the Bunker
 

Burroughs: Cocteau had this party trick that he would pull. He would lie down, take off his clothes, and come spontaneously. Could do that even in his fifties. He’d lie down there and his cock would start throbbing and he’d go off. It was some film trick that he had.

Bockris: How’d he pull that off? Have you ever been able to come through total mental—

Burroughs: Oh, I have indeed. I’ve done it many times. It’s just a matter of getting the sexual image so vivid that you come.

Warhol: How old were you when you first had sex?

Burroughs: Sixteen. Just boarding school at Los Alamos Ranch School where they later made the atom bomb.

Warhol: With who?

Burroughs: With this boy in the next bunk.

Warhol: What did he do?

Burroughs: Mutual masturbation. But during the war this school, which was up on the mesa there thirty-seven miles north of Santa Fe, was taken over by the army. That’s where they made the atom bomb. Oppenheimer [the scientist who invented the bomb] had gone out there for his health and he was staying at a dude ranch near this place and said, “Well, this is the ideal place.” It seems so right and appropriate somehow that I should have gone to school there. Los Alamos Ranch School was one of those boarding schools where everyone rode a horse. Fucking horses, I hate ‘em. I had sinus trouble and I’d been going to New Mexico for my health during the summer vacations and then my family contacted the director, A. J. Connell, who was a Unitarian and believed very much in positive thinking, and I went there for two years. This took place on a sleeping porch, 1929.

Warhol: How great! Was the sex really like an explosion?

Burroughs: No no … I don’t remember it was so long ago.

Warhol: I think I was twenty-five when I first had sex, but the first time I knew about sex was under the stairs in Northside, Pittsburgh, and they made this funny kid suck this boy off. I never understood what it meant…

Burroughs: Made him do what?

Warhol: Suck this boy off, but I didn’t know what it meant, I was just sitting there watching when I was five years old. How did you get this kid to do it, or did he do it to you?

Burroughs: Oh I don’t know, sort of a lot of talking back and forth…

Here’s a remarkable clip of the pair, this time chatting about, er, chicken fried steak—in the very room in which Arthur Clarke wrote 2001: A Space Odyssey! Phew, so much history! The footage is from an episode of the BBC documentary program Arena about the Hotel Chelsea and there are a couple of odd narrative elements to it, but the clip mercifully ends with Nico singing a haunting rendition of “Chelsea Girls”—in the Chelsea Hotel itself, one wonders if it was in Room 506…..
 

 
Mike Vraney, founder of the underground/exploitation film distro concern Something Weird Video, died yesterday after a long struggle with lung cancer. He is survived by his wife, artist Lisa Petrucci.

Something Weird (warning: boobies) was founded in Seattle in 1990, and has kept thousands of filmed oddities alive and available that almost certainly would have lost were it not for Vraney’s curatorial ministrations. From SW’s about page:

Here on your screen is a whole world of film that just a few short years ago was considered lost or worthless. The industry that produced and distributed these films had long since vanished and there was no sign of the men who actually created these bottom of the barrel celluloid wonders. That is until now.

In 1990 (roughly), we started Something Weird Video with the idea of releasing films that had never been on video. In my mind, the last great genre to be scavenged were the exploitation/sexploitation films of the 30’s through the 70’s. After looking into this further, I realized that there were nearly 2,000 movies out there yet to be discovered. So with this for inspiration, my quest began and wouldn’t you know, just out of the blue I fell into a large collection of 16mm girlie arcade loops (which became the first compilation videos we put together!) Around the same time I received an unexpected phone call that suddenly made all this real - my future and hands-down the king of sexploitation Dave Friedman was on the other end of the line - this would be the beginning of a long and fruitful friendship for both of us. Dave’s films became the building blocks for our film collection and he has taught and guided me through the wonderful world of sexploitation - introducing me to his colleagues (Dan Sonney, Harry Novak, H.G. Lewis, Bob Cresse, and all the other colorful characters who were involved during his heyday) and they’ve been eager to dive into the business again. (And initially, most are shocked that anyone is even interested in this stuff to begin with!)

 

 
Anyone—everyone—interested in strange cinema owes Mike Vraney a debt. The video shop that I mentioned in a DM post just yesterday carried so a huge a selection of his wares that they ultimately wound up simply giving him his own Something Weird wall, so much of worth did he preserve. Very little of SW’s stock is work safe—sleaze was the order of the day—but this relatively tame trailer imparts the kitschy, campy, sexy, goofy fun of the films he rescued from oblivion. We salute you and your legacy, Mr. Vraney, and we’re very sorry to lose you.
 

 
In an amusingly fifteen-years-too-late effort to ride the crest of the Blair Witch wave, Christian “comedian” Rich Praytor has made a found footage style scare movie about a porno magazine unleashing a demon into a church youth group’s overnight lock in. If you’re not familiar with the concept, the film’s press release is happy to help:

During the lock in, members of the youth group are “locked in” the church to have fun, play games, and get to know one another. In spite of the youth pastor’s attempt to intervene, the boys must come to terms with the pornographic images themselves in order to be truly freed from the demon.

Furthermore:

The demon is a metaphor for the true damage pornography can have in the lives of youth. There are never graphic or pornographic images shown in the movie. The producers of the film felt that it was important to tell a Christian story about real issues but to keep the images family friendly so anyone could be entertained without fear of exposure to questionable pictures.

THE DEMON IS A METAPHOR YOU GUYS! And THAT’S how you know this film is going to be smart. In keeping with the pimp-it-like-it’s-1999 theme, the film’s site has an about page that jacks (heh) Blair Witch‘s fake viral angle:

In the spring of 2010, a church lock in at First Baptist Church was organized by Pastor Chris.  In the first hour of the lock in, one of the students, Justin, had an unusual “incident” and was “inconsolable.”

It was reported that he calmed down and kept to himself for the remainder of the event. 

Two days after the lock in, Justin reportedly broke down to his parents that he experienced something “evil” at the lock in.  He also claimed he captured everything on tape.

After watching the footage, the parents met with church leaders to discuss criminal charges they were considering filing against the church for child endangerment, neglect and torture. 

A special hearing was immediately organized to find out what was on the tape. 

Two pastors, six elders and an unknown number of overseers met at an undisclosed location to view the footage of the tape.  It was reported that two of the elders resigned their duties immediately after viewing the footage.

Pastor Chris, after viewing the footage, turned in his immediate resignation to the church board. 

A undisclosed settlement was made between the church and families involved. 

The footage was officially released in May of 2013 in full cooperation with the families and individuals involved.

Holy Moly Pictures would like to thank the families and the First Baptist Church for their cooperation in releasing the footage to the public.

This is starting to seem like a lot more work than is merited just to keep teenaged boys from touching their penises—it merits mentioning that The Bible contains no prohibition against masturbating. Also, a porno magazine? Isn’t that more than a little quaint? Anyone who wants to look at pictures of naked people can do so for free on his or her phone.

Praytor has a more than glancing familiarity with beating (heh) dead-horse tropes. Here he is keenly observing, perhaps in homage to the comedy stylings of the early 1980s, that white people and black people are OMG LIKE TOTALLY DIFFERENT!
 

 
Tell me you laughed once during that.

And so here we see, as we do time and time again, that American Christianity’s great power lies not in spiritual redemption, but in turning every unique and powerful cultural expression it appropriates into a lame and bathetic puddle of insipid goo. These are the people who claim sole possession of the spark of the divine, and yet they can make nothing that doesn’t utterly blow. You’ve waited long enough for the money shot (heh) - here’s the trailer, in all its lookin’-like-it-was-shot-on-VHS glory. Smart money bets that the totally predictable morphing effect at the end ate about 90% of the film’s budget, as it costs very little to get kids to run through hallways and yell a lot.
 

 
You can avoid seeing The Lock In and just go on with what you were already going to be doing anyway starting on January 9th.

Via Film Drunk

 
You may never listen to Stereolab in the same way ever again…

Not a lot to add to this, although it did occur to me that Primal Scream’s “Higher Than The Sun” has a lot of potential in the BJ soundtrack department as well.
 

 
Thank you kindly, Nick Abrahams!

 
It starts with small fudges. It’s 8th grade, one frenemy accuses another of sexual inexperience. Inevitably someone ends up saying, “I met her at camp; she lives in Canada; you wouldn’t know her.”

As it gets more severe, this syndrome—known as “living a lie”—will inevitably result in a grand dinner party in which the bishop ruins everything by bringing in the canapés at precisely the wrong moment. And there you are, holding a cockatoo in the conservatory with your pants around your ankles. I feel like we can all relate.
 

 
Is inventing a fake girlfriend the new closet? Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o became a national object of ridicule last year (today he plays for the San Diego Chargers) when it was revealed that his recently deceased would-be girlfriend had actually been invented by a scurrilous friend without Te’o's knowledge. Earlier this year Tara introduced DM readers to the art of the fake girlfriend selfie.

By Valentine’s Day 2014, the startup InvisibleGirlfriend.com will, purportedly, supply users with concocted evidence of the made-up significant other in their lives. The packages come in three tiers—“Just Talking,” “Getting Serious,” and “Almost Engaged” (!)—and to read the list of offered services is to imagine any number of Three’s Company or Frasier plots come to life: “interactive SMS Texts,” “Facebook Relationship on Profile,” “Real Voicemails,” “Custom Girlfriend Characterization,” “Premium Gifts Available.”
 

 
InvisibleGirlfriend.com is the depressing brainchild of Matt Homann, who for understandable reasons has chosen to present the deceitful service as a means to a fulfilled and honest mode of existence: “Once you’ve met your Invisible Girlfriend, you can get back to living your life on your own terms, and not on others’.” Um, right.

At what point does a prospective client of InvisibleGirlfriend.com, in perusing the price categories, stop and say, “My problems go deeper than this”?
 

 
via Lost in E Minor