I’ve been a daily wake-n-bake pothead for 34 or 35 years. When I was a teenager, every morning I used to wait for my parents to leave for work at around 7am and then I’d reach under my bed and grab my stash. To this day I smoke from the minute I wake up until right before I go to bed at night. If I am traveling to another city—or another country—I will arrange for weed to be waiting for me by the time I check into my hotel. I’m good like that!
But I’ve also been a fairly productive member of society. I’m a complete workaholic with an almost cliched midwestern work ethic. I’ve contributed a helluva lot of money in taxes, far more than most people ever have. I’ve made TV shows, documentaries, written and published books, given lectures and worked on the marketing of major Hollywood films, accomplishing this all—I can assure you—while absolutely stoned to the fucking gills. The only thing I don’t like to do while stoned is drive, but I’m a shitty, lead-footed driver to begin as anyone unfortunate enough to have been a passenger while I am behind the wheel can attest to. (My wife hates my driving and I happily ride shotgun. Win/win!)
I’ve got so much excess energy that I need pot to center me and focus my attention. I fly in the face of the notion of the lazy pothead and I’m fairly heroic in my consumption. I can, and have, smoked Rastas under the table. If you’ve ever met me, trust me, I was high. Really, really high. I plan to leave my body to science. Seriously, I’m a definitive study of one!
But I’ve also got several friends who are worth tens and even hundreds of millions of dollars who smoke as much herb as I do. I’m fairly certain there must be lazy potheads out there, but I personally don’t know any of them. Besides that pot’s not cheap.
So I always laugh when I see goofy anti-pot propaganda. What a primitive way of thinking. Pot’s been around since before alcohol and it’s never, ever going to become less popular than it is right now, is it? And at least as far as self-medication goes, cannabis is a whole lot safer than alcohol, oxycontin and methamphetamines, don’t cha think? It boggles the mind why the states at the heart of the opioid epidemic won’t embrace legal cannabis, if not for the sake of giving the drug addicted underclass SOMETHING LESS LIKELY TO KILL THEM to take the edge off of life, but what about using the taxes that would be raised to fund increasingly necessary emergency drug addiction treatment?
It’s probably getting to the point where there are more car accidents caused in Kentucky by opioid addicts nodding off behind the wheel than from drunk drivers. And hemp is legal to grow there, too. Just not legal to bake into brownies and eat.
Which brings me to this goofiness, Ten Reasons NOT to Date a Stoner, a new guide for “teens and college students” published by Parents Opposed to Pot (I’m guessing that this is an individual and not an actual organization, but I could be wrong).
It may seem like an old fashioned thought, but the one you date should be a suitable mate. Consider the type of person you want to marry before getting involved with a stoner. Doing this will save you from short term frustrations and long term unhappiness.
This much is true and is actually sage advice I can get behind myself. If your life revolves around pot, make sure to date or marry someone who enjoys huffing the chronic as much as you do! You can tell a lot about someone from their weediquette.
Their first reason for not getting involved with a stoner is that stoners are…
1. Financially Unstable
This is simply and demonstrably untrue. It’s not even worth wasting any time rebutting.
2. Addiction Takes Priority
Maybe when there is a panic in Needle Park, but this is pot we’re discussing, no? A tad dramatic here?
3. Competing with a Drug. A relationship is more likely to collapse when an individual expresses a greater interest towards a substance than towards their partner. See one woman’s story: I Smoked Marijuana for Love.
Plenty of people smoke meth for love, too. Your point? And how many people love pot more than their partner? And if you do, what the fuck does this say about your relationship anyways?
4. Guilt. You may experience feelings of decreased self-esteem and self-worth when you feel obligated to “accept” his or her addiction/lifestyle despite your own disapproval.
This sounds suspiciously like “The Homosexual Agenda.” So silly as to not be worth addressing in any way.
Skipping ahead past one about laziness and another about fertility we find that apathetic pot smokers are in fact “energized”! Next they’ll be telling us pot makes you horny…
7. Activists Like to Cause a Racket. If he or she is an activist… good luck. A majority of marijuana users are also “politically active and energized” ... and their “allegiance to the drug” consumes their social calendar and Facebook newsfeed. Even activists will admit to the excessive amount of time and energy they spend at social gatherings and meetings where they aspire to make noise and fight the battle for legalization.
Yeah and some people get all worked up about Pokemon Go, online poronography or support Donald Trump. Bad boyfriends come in many varieties. Better a pothead than a white nationalist I always say.
More after the jump…