I am resigned to the likelihood that the USA will probably never even consider sane gun control laws. (Just as I’m resigned to the fact that that sentence alone will be enough to make me a GOT’DAM LIBRUL NAZI GUN GRABBER NAZI COMMIE in the eyes of some of Dangerous Minds’ illustrious Facebook commentariat.) The Aurora, CO movie theater shooting did nothing to win restrictions on clip sizes and ammo purchases. Twenty slaughtered children at Sandy Hook weren’t enough to get our government to move on revisiting the expired assault weapons ban. A demented man executing his former coworkers on live TV probably won’t be enough to initiate anything like meaningful action on background checks and mental health screenings. Obviously, nothing will ever be enough. Absurd numbers of utterly pointless deaths are the price America’s shown itself willing to pay to keep devices that exist for literally no reason other than killing not just legal, but accessible and plentiful. So fuck it, no more glockblocking for me, I’m switching teams. If we’re going to be 2nd Amendment absolutists, let’s take it all the way to the absolutes..

Fun fact:  though it rather pointedly uses the words “well regulated,” the 2nd Amendment never at any time uses the word “gun.” So PLAINLY our absolutism about the “shall not be abridged” part, to be consistent, must advocate for the legal private ownership of all conceivable arms, not just all guns. RPG launchers? No problem, let’s fuckin’ give one to James Holmes with a get-out-of-jail-free card! Suitcase nukes? The Tsarnaev brothers probably had WET DREAMS about that kind of efficiency! No joke, I’d seriously love to watch a morning commute go down in any major American city with Abrams tanks in the mix. You just know some of the pindicks who bought compensatory Hummers in the oughts only did so because fully armed tanks weren’t legally an option. Since we’ve decided we’re OK with handing the tools of mass death to our great nation’s many, many dizzyingly fucked-up crazystupids, why should our priceless freedom tolerate ANY restrictions?

Here’s a place to start: though they’re banned for military use by the U.N. Inhumane Weapons Convention, there exists no US federal law prohibiting citizen ownership of flamethrowers, and two Midwestern companies have begun manufacturing such devices for private individuals. Troy, Michigan’s Ion Productions and Cleveland, Ohio’s Xmatter both currently offer totally distinct consumer flamethrowing products—the XM42 and the Throwflame X15, respectively, because you gotta have an “X” in that shit—all the better to fulfill the differing needs of discerning Americans who need to set a whole bunch of stuff on fire without having to get very close to it.
 

 
Continues after the jump…